Being cheated on may be your fault
Published: Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Updated: Wednesday, February 23, 2011 16:02
We have all heard that the number of women in the world is higher than that of men. If this is true, can that be one of the reasons Maury has to conduct lie detector and sexy decoy tests on a daily basis? Are men just trying to "spread the wealth" among all the single women out there? And if that's the case, what's the excuse for women who cheat?
If you are a man or woman who has been cheated on by pretty much everyone they have been with, the problem may not be your exes. The problem may be your unwillingness to be aware of the signs. The cheater will always be at fault no matter what. But, that becomes just a technicality after a while.
Everyone has been taken as a fool at some point. When it is a pattern, however, you must stop looking at those who have scorned you and begin looking in the mirror. Think back. Are you sure there weren't any signs?
As college-level students, most of us have heard the theory that our species is not meant to be monogamous. While this may appear to be true, I cannot quite see the validity of it when the animal kingdom is made up of species that mate for life, species that have orgies and species that are usually monogamous, but some may stray once in a while. To justify cheating as "just the way it is" is neither scientific nor befitting as it insults the process of the human mind and the theory of consciousness.
Instead, monogamy should be looked at on an individual basis. It would be so much easier if men and women wore badges. "Hello, I'm a swinger." "Hello, I only cheat when things get too hard." "Hello, one person at a time, please."
Sadly, this isn't possible. Despite the awareness of ourselves that we all possess, not many people are willing to be honest about the kind of person they are. It may be because they are ashamed to be that person, they're hoping to change it, or they prefer the element of surprise.
The act of sleeping with more than one person at a time is not a bad thing, as it is not cheating. Lying about it, however, changes everything. Now it becomes a bad thing because it is not a reflection of who that person has made his or herself out to be in the eyes of others.
Not everyone is secure enough to admit that they are weak when it comes to matters of the flesh, which is probably why the ego does not allow for truth in many cases. This same weakness, however, gives everyone else an advantage.
As humans, we can be extremely intuitive. Not everyone is in touch with this intuition to the same extent as others, but can get to that point if they really wanted to.
When you are in a relationship, there are days when you feel closer to the person compared to other days. Sometimes, you may think, "does this person even like me?" The feeling of closeness can vary day to day.
When the lack of closeness becomes prolonged, however, begin questioning why. He or she may be just as affectionate as usual, but something in their eyes tells you there is nothing there.
Many times, especially in college, you will find it is just stress in your loved ones mind that has caused them to become detached. Other times, however, it may be a sign that they are emotionally detaching themselves from you as a way of avoiding guilt for not feeling the same way.
The extra need for privacy is another sign. You should always give each other space, but there should be no need to walk away from you when they get a phone call unless you are in a loud area.
One thing you must avoid when suspecting someone of infidelity, is screaming. You will never be heard.
Instead, approach them by telling them exactly what you feel for them. Let them know exactly what signs you have been aware of and ask them why it is they are acting this way. Express your concern for your loved one first, then express the concerns you have for yourself and how it affects you and your love for them. They may not be completely honest with you at first, but calmly expressing yourself opens the door for communication.
It is also necessary to be calm because you are not yet sure whether they are being unfaithful. The more you scream, the more you argue, the less approachable you become and the more willing your loved one will be to lie in order to avoid confrontation.
Can you stay with a cheater?
If you are currently in a relationship with someone that has cheated on you in the past, be aware that the same rules do not apply when it comes to privacy. A cheater usually prefers skipping the closure process and continuing the relationship as before. You, however, need this closure even if it hurts. Never allow yourself to think that you deserve any less. Otherwise, it will continue to happen to you.
The cheater must answer any questions you have, be there for you when you break down out of nowhere, stay up as late as you are staying up thinking about it, and above all relinquish their right to total privacy. The more privacy they relinquish, the more willing they are to making things right.
No more hidden phone calls. Their phone, Facebook and e-mail passwords should be given up to you if you so request.
A good idea may also be disallowing the use of social networks if this has been a problem in the past. If you ask to see their cell phone, they should give it up without hesitation. This may seem extreme, but then again, so was sleeping around behind your back.
After a while, you will both notice that there will be a lesser need to check that phone or that Facebook account. Instead, the trust will begin rebuilding itself. It may take time. But, if you are both dedicated to "us," a future together is not impossible.
To all those scorned and to all those who live with the guilt, good luck and stay aware of not only who you are, but who you hope to be.