My dirty dishes
4/10/10 11:50 AM
I've heard the first step to solving your problem is to admit you have one in the first place. Mine became clear the other morning, as I went to eat a bowl of cereal and and realized I didn't have a spoon to use. Well, let me clarify: I didn't have a clean spoon to use. Every single spoon, fork and knife in my house, including the cheap-plastic ones, sat in my sink. Dirty. Okay, so it's not like I was surprised that I didn't have a spoon to eat my bran. I mean, the dirty dishes have been staring at me for a couple days ... or a week. All right, fine! Two weeks. Happy? I admit it. I hate doing the dishes. In fact, I was whining about it to my best friend the other day, as I helped her unpack her plates in her new home. "Don't worry," she said. "You'll have a dishwasher...McChurch
4/3/10 11:54 AM
I have vowed never to become a sightseeing "Chreaster" attending religious services twice per year in celebration of the birth and resurrection of Jesus. That is until now. The reason: Drive-In Church Services. Huh? As I was passing by the entrance to I-4 at Ivanhoe I saw a sign for Drive-In Church Services. Is this the answer to our homogenized, multi-task generation? Is it made to order religion? Does the pastor not have enough hair to get a televised gig? Would it be "Pew on Wheels?" I started to concoct a picture in my head: a Sonic-like, Twitter-ized version of Evangelical religion, delivered menu-style 140 characters at a time, where a holy high-roller skates up to the window of my car with a menu and says, "Hi, welcome to The Speedy Gospel. Today's...If I had a genie
3/27/10 5:05 PM
What I wouldn't give for a munchkin with a clipboard to follow me around, taking copious notes and doing my bidding. Instead, I have a six-year-old monkey that follows me around chattering incessantly and eating like an NFL linebacker. Dreams. I dream of the day when I can finally go to the bathroom without company, and the day when Barbie puts back her own shoes. Don't get me wrong, I love being a Mom. My kid is friggin cool, but she's a mini-me. Yes, I said 'but.' Have you ever tried living with a little version of yourself? It is not easy. So, in a week when I am pondering my perpetual tardiness, The Communist Manifesto and analyzing 180 pages of Thoreau's "transcendental strip tease" with loons and beans, I can't help but ask myself: What is the point? What in the hell am...The Day I Went Postal
3/21/10 10:11 AM
One of three things is happening: My mood swings are getting worse the closer I get to menopause; I am developing a form of psychosis; or I am becoming increasingly neurotic. I am not sure which. Of late, I have become alarmingly aware of disturbing personality changes roughly every 28 days, give or take. Three days before the hated 28-day-mark, I wake up with my boxing gloves on, ready to go a few rounds, actively seeking a sparring partner, whether they feign interest or not. Initially, I thought these fits of diabolical madness and hysteria struck without warning. However, upon investigation I noticed a cyclical pattern that began when I would wake up pissed off at the world and every inhabitant it contained. Of course, I couldn't just simmer in silent anger and waste a lot of good...The 'D-Bomb': Why does the word 'Date' hit me like a four-letter word?
2/28/10 11:55 AM
In an age of instant gratification, our generation grew up microwaving Ramen noodles. We went from three channels on TV to more than 300 and these days, there is an app for just about everything. We have become a group of spoiled Veruca Salts demanding a bigger, better, faster goose-that-lays-golden-eggs in various sizes, shapes and colors. We want it and we want it now. This has veined its way into relationships as well. When things do not process at light speed we end up dumping them and moving on. And that brings me to the dreaded "D" word: D.A.T.E. To me, it means “Dressy Awkward Torturous Evening. “ Just the connotation alone brings forth visions of getting dressed up, putting on your best behavior, sitting across from someone and interrogating each other for...
is a member of the 
