J.Crew’s conservative rep runs out with ad

To all our male Knights: If you own anything pink, from a Ralph Lauren polo to a tie, you should throw them away immediately.

And may God be with you if you own the color in a liquid form. (Please research safe methods of disposal for all volatile fluids.)

Oh, and just to err on the side of safety, I would also avoid ordering strawberry smoothies from Smoothie King.

This is because we now know, according to the experts and their immeasurable intuition that it will more than likely cause you to be transgendered.

They graced the world with their thoughtful insight just after J.Crew sent out an ad depicting their President and Creative Director, Jenna Lyons, and her son Beckett playing on a Saturday morning. The headline read, "Saturday with Jenna. See how she and son Beckett go off duty in style."

He appears to be sitting on the kitchen counter, his feet are embraced in her hands as they exchange infectiously happy grins. You may, however, need to sit down for this next part — his toenails are painted pink and it appears she either allowed this or painted them herself.

The doting mother's caption proudly reads: "Lucky for me I ended up with a boy whose favorite color is pink. Toenail painting is way more fun in neon."

And though his toes are hot pink, social conservatives are seeing red.

"Yeah, well, it may be all fun and games now, Jenna, but at least put some money aside for some psychotherapy for the kid — and maybe a little for others who'll be affected by your ‘innocent' pleasure," Kenneth Ablow, a psychologist and Fox News contributor wrote.

He added that the advertisement is "an example of how our culture is being encouraged to abandon all trappings of gender identity"

And Fox is not alone; the conservative Media Research Center said the ad was "blatant propaganda celebrating transgendered children."

This merciless quote implies that children should not be celebrated as they naturally are — as they are before they are bullied into suppression — that they should only be embraced when they behave in accordance with the norm.

When my brother was about 2 years old, my sister and I dressed him up in a girl's bathing suit and sat him in our Barbie swimming pool — and yeah, he's gay but he doesn't even like the color pink (he just likes older men).

Though I should consult with Dr. Ablow on this discrepancy, because he may have a very good explanation for this.  It may prove to strengthen his theory.

It probably goes something like this: Trying on a girl's swimsuit at an impressionable age makes you gay.

Painting your nails any shade of pink makes you transgendered. Eating too many bananas turns you into a chimpanzee, and agreeing with those "experts" makes you —along with them — the entire problem.

Though one thing Ablow said does hold weight.

Lyons should put aside some money for psychotherapy for her son, but not from the damages incurred from unconditionally loving him along with his favorite color, but from the hurt inflicted by rigid, judgmental fundamentalists like these self-proclaimed experts that are truly only experts at playing God and spreading hate.

Maybe the 5-year-old kid didn't get the memo that the societal color assignment of pink for boys and blue for girls was reversed in the 1940s to pink for girls and blue for boys; and how dare his abusive mother allow him to rebel from the decades-old baby blanket color, gender labeling, tradition!

Not to mention the fact that boys should absolutely never have paint on the protein derived appendages located at the ends of their fingers and toes, unless the paint is accidental residue from painting a model truck kit.

It makes me so angry I'd like to break into Ablow's house in the middle of the night and paint his toenails a pretty shade of cherry blossom pink while he's fast asleep, enjoying his last heterosexual dream.