Sex game too hot for Xbox 360’s Kinect
Published: Sunday, January 2, 2011
Updated: Sunday, January 2, 2011 18:01
If you're a video game player and like seeing girls naked or have a game-playing friend that does — safe to assume that there are a few in the 56,000 students at the UCF — you have probably heard about the adult company looking to produce a Microsoft Kinect 3-D sex game for the Xbox 360.
For those of you who don't know, Kinect is a new addition to Xbox 360 which allows you to use your entire body as the controller.
In this game, for instance, you can raise your hand, make a squeezing motion and congratulations, you have just felt a cartoon character's breast.
The system also has voice recognition, which would lend itself perfectly to an illicit game because then one of your roommates wouldn't be able to come and mess around with your lady.
But before I get your perverted hopes up, I should mention that the interactive sex game maker thriXXX has hit a stumbling road block.
When the new system came out in November, hackers from all fields (not just the porn industry) circumvented Kinect's security system in order to create new applications without Microsoft's approval.
They will then, upon completion, have to go through Microsoft's certification process in order to bring it to the market.
Microsoft says this will not happen for the pornographic game, stating that it "does not allow adult only content to be certified for use on its platform."
While there has been a halt on this naughty game, it's certainly only a matter of time before a new "platform" is developed and everyone that has ever wanted to know what Cinderella looks like under that ballgown will get their wish— after all, money and sex are involved.
But a word to the wise, if you ever own this: Next year or fifty years from now, don't ever tell a girl that you play the game.
Because if we get a visual of you standing naked in front of a TV screen thrusting your hips and squeezing your hands into the air we will not let you anywhere near us.
The idea does have possibilities though.
What if they came up with a dirty video game that your girlfriend can program with her wants and desires, so you can practice?
You would then have to do things in the right order, for the perfect amount of time, at just the right speed — with an emergency baseball game, or a video of your mom telling you to put your dishes in the sink, popping up on the corner of your screen when it sees that you're getting ahead of yourself.
That would still have its downside, though.
"Yeah, well my video game girlfriend loves it when I do that! Every single time she tells me how much she enjoyed it. And what's more, she respects me. She tells me that all the time!" You proudly tell your girlfriend in bed.
"Well, then how about you marry your video game girlfriend," your girlfriend says, thinking you will know that this would be ridiculous, but she has no idea just how much you're playing the game — no one does.
"Maybe I will!" you actually reply.
On the bright side there would probably be enough votes to make marriage between a man and a video game legal, so long as the animation is a woman.
They will even give you a special tax break for it.
You could have video game kids, a video game job, and a video game grocery store that you buy gift cards for at Best Buy.
Twenty percent of your income when you graduate will be spent on virtual Publix gift cards while you eat McDonald's standing naked on a beach towel in front of your television watching your video game wife sleep with some woman you just met in the virtual Publix.
You'll live in total bliss until you realize, like a punch to the gut, that you are married to a video game.
You should have never invited your parents over for a virtual Christmas dinner.