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There she is, Miss UCF, why is it you can only sing or dance?

This week marked the start of this year's Mr. and Miss UCF pageant auditions, which leads me to beg the question: Where are the pageant girls who can burp the ABCs, fit their whole fist in their mouth, play the triangle or spin plates?

It seems as if every year, the winner of Miss UCF, a scholarship pageant hosted by UCF, is a singer or dancer.

You're probably thinking that I'm bitter about losing to some dancing or singing girl in a pageant.

Well you're wrong. I'm bitter about not even making it through the preliminary round to compete against a dancing or singing girl.

I'll admit it — I don't have many talents. I can write (obviously) and I'm pretty good at sleeping. But besides that, I've got nothing.

However, I'm up front about my lack of talent. So, I told the woman running the pageant that I couldn't think of a talent. She asked me what I enjoyed, and I answered writing.

"Well, there you go!" she said. This woman had me convinced that I should write and read aloud a short story. Well let me tell you something: Judges don't want to hear your little story. They want to see you flip through the air and sing that song from Wicked.

Being the clueless person I am, I went ahead with the idea, sure that the judges would be impressed by my artsy-fartsy-ness. So I banged out a quick story, and trust me when I say quick, because your talent can only be 90 seconds. You try developing plot and characters in 90 seconds.

So I wrote a sad story to emphasize how deep I am and even mustered up a few tears at the end. Next day, I checked the list of who made it. Talk about a harsh dose of reality.

Not even my — let's just say it — killer looks could save me. And believe me, I showed up to this audition looking like a politician's wife, pearls and all.

When I checked the list, I did notice that a girl I had previously interviewed and written about in the Central Florida Future had made the cut. An irrationally angry voice in my head said, "If it wasn't for me, she wouldn't be anything."

Turns out, this girl wins the whole shebang and takes the crown. And what was her talent? She danced!

So I've decided, for next year's auditions, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to eat as many chicken wings as I can in 90 seconds. I'll show up in a ball gown, white elbow-length gloves and just chow down.

I'll go down in history as the girl who ate 50 chicken wings in 90 seconds at the Miss UCF pageant. I'll accept my crown and flowers and wave to the crowd with chicken wing sauce-covered fingers.

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