The Geezer Bandit: A true hero to millions

After publishing my most recent hate-filled tirade, something magical happened. My grandma read the words on the page and said, "Austin, you shouldn't be so angry all the time."
 

Of course, I responded like any good grandson would. I smiled, said, "Oh, Grandma," and then I told her to mind her own damned business.
 

Later that day, I had time to reflect on her words and realized that I was inspired.
I guess that's what old people do: inspire.
 

I realized I shouldn't have so much hate in my heart, and so I began searching for my muse. It didn't take me long to find it, and surprise, surprise: it was another old person.
 

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm talking about none other than the "Geezer Bandit."
 

The Geezer Bandit, as dubbed by the FBI, is one of today's modern marvels along with Mount Rushmore, Joan Rivers' face and John Stossel's mustache.
 

This 60- to 70-year-old, unidentified fossil has robbed six banks in a five-month span without saying a word. He simply shows his semi-automatic pistol and quietly hands the bank teller a note demanding the money. He enters and leaves like a ghost, which is funny, because he's probably six months away from actually becoming one.
 

The situation is like the movie Point Break, but without the surfing. and presidential masks. Plus, this guy can probably read better than Keanu Reeves.
 

OK, so it's not like Point Break at all, but it would almost definitely make a better movie.

Wouldn't you watch Robert Duval rob six banks in complete silence and then giggle when he gets back to his mobile home and takes a bath in money? Yes. Yes, you would.
 

This man should be your hero. He embodies all the attributes of our heroes in print and on the big screen. If Michael Douglas' character in Falling Down and Uncle Junior from The Sopranos got really smashed one night and had a love child, they would spawn the Geezer Bandit.
 

He's a guy who takes matters into his own hands and doesn't apologize for what happens next. Not only should men follow his lead, but the human race in general should also be taking notes.
 

This man is a symbol of freedom and a beacon of hope. When your luck is down, your Social Security check is no longer cutting it and Medicare isn't covering all your costs, you can still persevere. You're never too old to take control of your life and make something of yourself.
 

Especially something super awesome, like a wanted fugitive, bank robber extraordinaire.